Because He First Loved

    "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love on another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

-John 13:34-35

     Yesterday, during a wonderful conversation with a sweet, new friend, I was forced to think about all the things that God has been teaching me over the weeks that I have been here. And only now am I realizing the magnitude of the work He is doing in me. I have realized, first, that simply because I am in a new place, does not mean that I am a different person. Unfortunately, I have the same struggles here that I have when I am at home or anywhere else. Living with seven other women has given Satan a huge platform to launch missiles of deceit into my mind and heart. This week, in the midst of the enemies attacks and the sin of my own vain heart, I stumbled (more like God guided me) upon Isaiah 58, which talks about what true fasting looks like, fasting that is glorifying to God. The prophet writes: 

"Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke,to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard. then shall you you call, and the LORD will answer; you shall cry, and he will say 'Here I am'... if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, the shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the LORD will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail."

(Isaiah 58:6-11)

     After reading this, my mind was immediately blown, and my eyes opened to the truth that when I take my eyes off of myself and this constant struggle against my self-esteem, and if I focus my thoughts and energy on serving, loving, and pouring myself out on those around me, only there will I find freedom, healing, and restoration in the Lord. And so I started trying to love more, serve more, and be selfless. But, no surprise, I failed, constantly and miserably. Then it hit me: I cannot love or serve in and of my own strength and will. I am not a loving person. In fact, I am quite selfish and bitchy. All the love I hold in my heart is that which Christ has poured into me, because He first loved me. I am nothing. So I must set my gaze on Him and rest in His grace, and as a result, His love will flow from me. And so I pray that He will humble me and give me the strength love selflessly and unconditionally those who are hard to love, just as He does. I pray that I will constantly rest in His grace and choose joy and peace. I pray that I will disappear; that my babies will see Him in me and know that they are never alone; that the women I work with will be encouraged and fall more love with Christ. I pray that He will glorify Himself in us as a team, in me as His daughter, whatever that looks like. 

     So ultimately, what is it that I am learning? I am learning that I am fully and completely inadequate, incompetent, and ill-equipped to be here. But. Jesus is adequate, competent, and fully-equipped. It is all about Him. Everything. Where I fall short, He exceeds and makes Himself look glorious. What a freeing thought! 

     I look forward to this week and all that Abba has to teach me. I look forward to more hours spent with my kids. I look forward to seeing them open up, and become more and more excited about learning about Jesus. Though they are young, I can see God working in their little hearts. What great days are to come!

Peace out!

-B