I never though I would say this, but sometimes being sick is a blessing. The past couple of days, my body has tired of fighting the sicknesses that have been going around all semester, so here, at the end, it is deciding to give in. I almost made it the whole semester! However, in the midst of my disappointment and bad attitude about my sore throat, cough, and slight fever, I was surprised with a beautifully refreshing day in the presence of my Lord. I fell asleep for most of the afternoon listening to worship songs. Suddenly, I awoke to the sound of Mark Driscoll's voice coming up from my laptop speakers. A random podcast began playing. It was one of the sermons from his Peasant Princess series on the Song of Solomon. He talked about marriage, sex, relationships, love, and of course, God. Me, being the story-person that I am, perked up when he retold the day of he and his wife's first date. And me, being the romantic that I am, giggled with giddiness as he spoke of how he was captivated by his bride from that very first day. How I want to be married! There goes the 5 yr. old Brenna inside of me, skipping down the road of romantic day-dreams. In reality, however, I have found that I am utterly terrified of relationships. Yes, I want to be married, and yes, I am looking forward to it, but at the same time, is scares me to think about. Normally, when that fear begins to rise up in my heart, I just ignore it completely and say that I am satisfied with pursuing the Lord and letting Him romance my heart. Don't get me wrong, I really am completely satisfies with that! He is my Love. But on the other hand, ignoring my fear of relationships is not the healthiest of decisions. As a single woman, I should be readying myself for the day that I will become my husband's wife. Shoving my fears and problems under the rug, unfortunately, is not readying myself. And so, I must face this fear head on,
now, and not later..
Just a little peek at what is going on in my heart. Anyway, it has clearly been a while since the last time I wrote. I keep putting it off because so much has happened, and I didn't want to take the time to write about it. How lazy I can be! The past few weeks have been really busy with school (assignments, tests, presentations, etc.) and traveling. Two weekends ago, I went to Super Chunky Love, a retreat with the college group I have been going to on Wednesday nights. I was a little nervous about it since I really don't like retreats or small groups very much. To add onto things, it was about love, relationships, marriage, and sex. And, well, since non of those things really apply to me at the moment (or so I thought!), I wasn't that interested. But God has a funny way of knocking my socks off and bringing up issues in my heart that need to be dealt with. In a very round-about way, these issues were indeed tied to the things we were discussing, making it all very relevant. Another blessing from that weekend was how much I got to know everyone. Again, people and the relationships that were made was the highlight of the weekend.
The day after Super Chunky Love, we had another excursion with IAU. We went to Ile sur la Sorgue and Fontaine de Vaucluse. This trip might be my favorite of class trips. I can't put my finger on it as to why exactly, because we didn't really do a whole lot. It must have something to do with the atmosphere of this particular trip. Everyone was in cheery spirits, full of laughs and smiles. Even Yamina! (She is the woman who leads these trips; she is usually pretty uptight, to say the least.) Everything was very chill and relaxed. Even our bus drivers were having a good time. Yeah, I'd say it was a good day.
Thanksgiving... I definitely got a good dose of homesickness the night before Thanksgiving when I was desperately trying to finish my presentation that was due. Thanksgiving is just Thursday in France. After I finished my hour and half long group presentation, I was exhausted from the nervously spent adrenalin. But following a half hour of doing absolutely nothing but sitting, I was rejuvenated and ready for the meal that IAU had prepared for us. As we all shared a French version of Thanksgiving dinner, my heart was overwhelmed with joy of seeing everyone together, smiling, laughing, and sharing the same experience of being away from our families. I realized that these people have been my family for the past three months, and how thankful I am for each and every one them. And as I sat there, observing the jubilant merrymaking, something occurred to me that I had never though about before: When I am thankful, I thank God. So who do people thank when they don't believe in God? No one? Can you be thankful without at least subconsciously thanking someone? And then I was once again reminded of the depravity and hopelessness of life without Christ. It's amazing how giving thanks changes the entire outlook on life. It is humbly accepting that we are completely dependent on the Lord for everything. Everyday should be a day of thanksgiving.
This past weekend was relaxing and very much needed. Late Friday afternoon, I hopped on a bus and made the two hour journey to the rather nice city of Nice (yes, I just said that..). I spent the evening wandering around with Remy, my friend from Shorter who moved back to Nice after he graduated. We finally settled down in Wayne's, an English bar. There we ate a hearty meal and drank lots of cidre cassis. Mmmh! Soo good. After a few hours, I met up with my sweet, sweet family friend Aaron Whitworth, who is studying in Nice for the next two years. We shared many a good conversation (I'm always a sucker for converstation!), listened to great music, and even watched a little American football over a bowl of Russian soup. Sunday morning before I left for Aix, he made a delicious American-Southern breakfast consisting of grits and bacon, fried eggs, toast, and coffee. This short little weekend may very well end up in the high lights of my semester here.
Enjoyable company :]
Once again, I am nearing the end of another week of classes. After tomorrow there is only one more week before finals, which means only two weeks before I leave! These past few days, God has been doing a lot, a whole lot in my heart, causing me to let go of a lot of desires and risk obeying Him and what He is telling me to do. I always say, Lord I surrender my life to You, but now He is challenging that, saying, "
Do you really? Then show Me." There is something that I must do that won't make sense to most people. It may even seem foolish. But He tells me to obey, so I must. People thought Noah was foolish when he built the ark, and look at what happened!
So I continue, as always, to pray for boldness and strength to speak out the Name of my Lord Jesus, no matter what that means. I am so weak and cowardly. Praying for strength and wisdom to do the right thing. And praying that above all, Christ shines through me, that it is He who people see when they are around me, and that He is ultimately and forever glorified. And finally, I lift up my heart in thanksgiving to the God who created me and who is with me every moment of every day. He never leaves, never falters. I thank Him for the Cross, His grace that covers our sins, and His love that drove Him to the Cross. And I thank Him for
you. Wherever you are, whoever you are, know that I love you and am eternally thankful for you.
But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of Him everywhere. (15)For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, (16)to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life. Who is sufficient for these things? (17)For we are not, like so many, peddlers of God's Word, but as men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ. (2 Corinthians 2:14-17)
Peace and Blessing,
-B
