February 16, 2014

     Already February is slipping by and March is on the horizon. How strange time is! I am always amazed at the rate it slips by us. Our lives truly are nothing but a shadow, a vapor, a withering flower. This beautiful morning, I am reminded of the work God is doing in my life; all that He has done over the years. I prayed, many years ago, that I would know Him as Abba, and my true Father, and I do! Ever since that fateful summer at Glorieta, in 2010, He has been showing me more and more that I am indeed His daughter, washed and cleansed in the blood of His beloved Son, Jesus. I now carry the righteousness of this Redeemer. Adorned in His grace and perfection, I have confidence before the throne of my Abba. I don't know that my heart and mind will ever fully grasp the depth of this truth! Thank you, precious Jesus!

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That save a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now am found

Was blind, but now I see

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear

And grace my fears relieved

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come

Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far

And grace will lead me home

The Lord has promised good to me

His Word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail

And mortal life shall cease

I shall possess within the veil

A life of joy and peace

When we've been there then thousand years

Bright shining as the sun

We've no less days to sing God's praise

Than when we first begun

February 12, 2014

"Remember, whether you have success in what you do or failure, always focus on God. Constantly praise Him and respect Him."

-Hildegard of Bingen, Book of Divine Words-

     My heart is restless. It is a restlessness that has become quite familiar as of late, save for the peace that has showed up this week. Peace in the midst of restlessness... it must be of my Lord! There is joy, too. My soul, though clinging onto Abba in trust, feels as though she is on the edge of a great waterfall, slowly inching toward the downward plunge into the unknown. When I first moved to Albuquerque, I wanted to resist the change and hold fast to the comfort that remained in GA with my family and community. But now my heart is so ready to embrace whatever change comes my way. I am itching for something new, something different. I want to find something to do. A new job or hobby, perhaps.  I do not know. Of this, I know not whether is it pleasing to God. How I pray that what I am doing, how I am living is pleasing to Him and glorifying to His holy and precious Name! 

Away We Go

    "It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of his presence." 

-C.S. Lewis

     Tonight, after an adventurous day to Apple Hill Orchards, Megan, Leana and I watched the movie Away We Go which is a film about an expecting couple who are looking to relocate. Bert and Verona travel to various cities to visit different friends and family members, and to find the place to build their family. Though it is a comedy, Away We Go really shows the crap, the pain and grief that each person has in his or her life. After the movie, I was on Facebook, and for perhaps the first time I realized how much pain is posted on the endless feed of statuses and profile activity. I think my eyes were actually opened, connecting my heart to the silent knowledge I have in my head: people are broken.

   And my heart breaks for this broken world. I think about my kids - each one of those precious smiling faces - and I think about the crap they will have to deal with in the coming years. I think about the baggage they are already carrying that has been shoved on them by bullies, parents, family members, loss, death, illness, etc. There is nothing I can do to protect them from the negative, destructive messages poured out onto their hearts by other people. I think about all the ways I have failed to love them and show Christ's love to them. Over the past couple of weeks, my job has just been my job. The honeymoon stage of missionary life has diminished into routine. Every-day life. Where is the passion? Where is the love? Where is the desire to do none else but serve? Where is my heart? I wonder how many minutes, how many days, I have wasted already.

     I praise the Lord for His total, unfailing grace. Though I continuously get distracted and care about other things more than I do about getting to know Him (just like my kinders!), He never stops pursuing, never gets frustrated or impatient, never stops loving. How can I do anything else with my day than to pass that love and grace on to those who are in need of it?

     So I am praying for the strength to be disciplined in all areas of my life, especially in the time I spend with Abba. That I will seek after nothing but a deeper, more intimate relationship with Jesus. That every moment of my life will be intentional in meeting people where they are at, and loving them for who they are, and not who they could be. I pray that I will have the strength and patience to love each one of my kids with the love of my Lord Jesus. That they will know with all of their hearts that they are dearly loved and cherished, not only by me, bu by their Maker, the God of the universe, their Father. I pray that though they are young, they know in their heads and hearts that Abba is with them and will never leave them. I pray for their protection. I pray for their souls.

Some of my babies 

Sweet boys

The team and Pastor Dan (aka PD)

Believe. Trust.

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me."

-John 14:1

     As the weeks here in the enamoring Tahoe continue to tumble faster and faster, smooshing days, minutes, and hours into a heavy snowball of routine, change continues to erupt the comfort of everyday life. And with the rapid motion of time drizzled on top of so many changes, comes uncertainty of the future. Three weeks ago, the new pastor (Scott) and his wife (Jenn) arrived in Tahoe. Now only three weeks remain until Pastor Dan and Donna's last Sunday here. The transition of changing pastors seems to be going really smoothly. Scott and Jenn fit right into the quirky uniqueness of the community, and Pastor Dan is starting to act more and more "retired." Sometimes, though, I catch a glimpse of uncertainty and sadness hidden in the pair of eyes behind Dan's thick glasses. Uncertainty...

     So what do we do with change, and transition, and the future unknown? Trust. Just days before His death, Jesus told His disciples, "Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me." In Him we find safety, reassurance, confidence, and peace in the face Life's of chaotic changes.

     As I begin to think about what I am going to do net year, what kind of job I'm going to get, where I'm going to be, how I'm going to pay off student loans, etc., I am reminded and encouraged to never fret or let my mind be overtaken with anxiety. Abba has it all under control. Our lives have been written out before us by One whose plans give us a hope and future. If we but choose to rest in God's ultimate and perfect timing, we will find the capability to live fully and vibrantly in each present moment. "Wherever you are, be all there."
Embrace change. Believe in Jesus. Smile at the future.

Take care!

-B

Beauty

Here are two articles about true beauty and what that looks like through the eyes of God. So very encouraging and convicting!

http://theresurgence.com/2011/09/12/what-is-beautiful

http://theresurgence.com/2011/09/19/what-is-beautiful

-B

Because He First Loved

    "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love on another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

-John 13:34-35

     Yesterday, during a wonderful conversation with a sweet, new friend, I was forced to think about all the things that God has been teaching me over the weeks that I have been here. And only now am I realizing the magnitude of the work He is doing in me. I have realized, first, that simply because I am in a new place, does not mean that I am a different person. Unfortunately, I have the same struggles here that I have when I am at home or anywhere else. Living with seven other women has given Satan a huge platform to launch missiles of deceit into my mind and heart. This week, in the midst of the enemies attacks and the sin of my own vain heart, I stumbled (more like God guided me) upon Isaiah 58, which talks about what true fasting looks like, fasting that is glorifying to God. The prophet writes: 

"Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke,to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard. then shall you you call, and the LORD will answer; you shall cry, and he will say 'Here I am'... if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, the shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the LORD will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail."

(Isaiah 58:6-11)

     After reading this, my mind was immediately blown, and my eyes opened to the truth that when I take my eyes off of myself and this constant struggle against my self-esteem, and if I focus my thoughts and energy on serving, loving, and pouring myself out on those around me, only there will I find freedom, healing, and restoration in the Lord. And so I started trying to love more, serve more, and be selfless. But, no surprise, I failed, constantly and miserably. Then it hit me: I cannot love or serve in and of my own strength and will. I am not a loving person. In fact, I am quite selfish and bitchy. All the love I hold in my heart is that which Christ has poured into me, because He first loved me. I am nothing. So I must set my gaze on Him and rest in His grace, and as a result, His love will flow from me. And so I pray that He will humble me and give me the strength love selflessly and unconditionally those who are hard to love, just as He does. I pray that I will constantly rest in His grace and choose joy and peace. I pray that I will disappear; that my babies will see Him in me and know that they are never alone; that the women I work with will be encouraged and fall more love with Christ. I pray that He will glorify Himself in us as a team, in me as His daughter, whatever that looks like. 

     So ultimately, what is it that I am learning? I am learning that I am fully and completely inadequate, incompetent, and ill-equipped to be here. But. Jesus is adequate, competent, and fully-equipped. It is all about Him. Everything. Where I fall short, He exceeds and makes Himself look glorious. What a freeing thought! 

     I look forward to this week and all that Abba has to teach me. I look forward to more hours spent with my kids. I look forward to seeing them open up, and become more and more excited about learning about Jesus. Though they are young, I can see God working in their little hearts. What great days are to come!

Peace out!

-B

Times a changin'

     Transition. Change. Say good-bye to comfort, safety, and security. Life has a funny way of keeping us constantly on our toes by shifting things every so often. As soon as I get used to one situation, place, group of people, the tides of change come around once again and I am thrown into a spiral of fear, excitement, anxiety, anticipation, along with a whole slew of other conflicting emotions. As much as we say we love change, we are creatures of habit. We dread change. Even still, it ambushes us on the daily and we act as though we have never encountered it before. As of late, I have been made fully aware of the huge changes and transitions that are happening all around me. My pastor and his family at home just moved to Seattle. I moved to Tahoe. The pastor at the church I am serving here in Tahoe is retiring and the new pastor arrives next month. Each of the women I work with are recent college graduates and are dealing with this time of limbo before they get started on grad school, or whatever it is they might have next. Even this city is in a constant state of transition from one tourist season to the next.

     Transition. Change. What do we do with it? But then again, where would we be without it? If God left us alone in our every-day state of comfortable complacency, we would never grow into better people, better Christians. If Christ had stayed in Heaven, we never would have known the life and magnificent joy of being in communion with Him. So as much as it sucks and kicks our butt, thank You, Abba, for change! Thank you for breaking us apart and forcing us to rely on You in our discomfort! And thank You for the opportunity You give us each day to grow and serve in the transitions we face!

     I am blown away by the sovereignty of my Lord. As I was looking into internships to do for the missions minor, Tahoe City was not even on my radar. I was dead-set on going to Haiti and speaking French and playing with little Haitian children. Well. The only thing I got right was the children part of that plan! Here I am, after months of watching God's will unfold. How ordained this time is! I am so blessed to serve with the other missionaries and staffers here. Each of us were brought here specifically by God. I am stoked to see what He has in store for the up-coming four months! It is hard to believe I left Atlanta nearly two weeks ago. Time has definitely flown by! Tomorrow we have two more days of full-day programs for grades K-6th, then school starts Wednesday, and we start the after-school programs. I have been assigned the Kindergarten class, and have been able to work with them this past week. I am rapidly falling in love with those sweet, mischievous, naughty, adorable babies. I know I am not supposed to have "favorites," but I definitely do. Though I will treat and love each the same, there are a couple who have nabbed my heart more than the others. How I hope and pray the love of Jesus will pour out of me into their little hearts!

     Until next time!

-B